Manifest 2020

Ten years older, five years wiser

The end of a decade. 2010 -2020 has been a decade of becoming mature and more of an adult. Adulting is not what many enjoy doing, but what we all must face. The reality of mortality. We always speak of another year older when birthdays come and go. With 10 years passing, there is a more profound reflection not just on ourselves, but with us as a collective. How have human beings become? What does it mean to be a person now with a decade passing?

Obviously, the explosion of technology and society becoming digitally closer, our behaviors as a group change. Have we evolved? Have we fallen into a dystopia? I do not want the responsibility to answer that weighted question, instead just place the thought on your mind. I am not qualified to decide if we have regressed socially or are now becoming a more unified sentient. I can only speak about my own experiences.

Refocus on your passion

Earlier in this passing decade, I knew what I wanted. I worked in the tech sector of society and pursued my passion for dance. Emotionally, dance balanced me out as the place to express, and work gave me structure as a widget in the community. I had a pretty average personal life; friends, partners, family, etc. This was the decade I really solidified what my style was in dance. I felt sure of who I became in that aspect of my life. As time crept into the middle of the decade, 2012–2013, questions of myself started popping up.

I felt confident and accomplished as a dancer, but work was no longer fulfilling. I started despising going to work, dealing with clients, and even co-workers. I felt as if it was a waste of time. Time became so important to me. It is funny how time never stops for anyone, no matter how much money you make, how old you are, no one escapes time. I began trying to hoard this commodity for things I wanted to do. Honestly, it was not always for productive reasons, I just wanted to control MY time.

I want to control my time.

Finally, through my decision and other realizations in my work life, I left the tech world. I was free to focus on dance.

Time to grow up

Adulting sometimes is a sobering experience. I was free, but for only a year. I was able to travel and compete in some competitions for dance, and experience life on my terms. One year later, I am broke. I need a job to keep going to do the things I want to do. Humbling myself, I started over in a different industry. I had a chance to get into the financial sector through a bank. It was more of a sales job to be fair, but once you get past it, you can get really serious in that financial world. From waking up early every weekday, wearing suits, and commuting to work, the grind became the main focus once again. Dance didn’t pay the bills, so off I went to work, and the passion fell into the background back.

Two years of day in day out, just getting it done at work, and trying to keep up with dancing was the hustle. During this time, I was still in a long-distance relationship, and balancing time for that, and everything else became a lot. Any free time became me passing out tired, being lazy about anything, and irritable about all my shortcomings. Before pursuing this direction, I promised myself only two years of this, and something has to change. Finally, that time came, and change was as dramatic as I could have done.

I quit, left in good graces with everything at work, and moved to a different country. Finally, my relationship was a short distance, as in living together. Maybe my change of life was a half baked thought because when you move to another country, you can’t just start working if you need money, and everything is different. Your environment is foreign, the government rules are different, and it is almost a reset on every part of your life. My relationship was my primary motivation and drove me to pack up and move. My life became quite different.

A new chapter in life

I was already familiar with not working, and focusing on dance, I did it just a few years back. Now, I was doing it for keeps. This was what my life was going to be. Of course, I would have to go extreme and live off my savings because, legally, I couldn’t work at all. By this time, I was getting into my mid-thirties. As a dancer, this was terrifying. My body was slowing down, and it took longer to recover from practice to practice. Was I too late? Did I wait too long?

I still have hope that is not the case. I see elders in the breaking community, always pushing and challenging themselves. Physically, everything has to have more intention and preparation. That means more stretching, eating healthier, and more maintenance with dancing. I did not know until this past year, how important mentally I needed to have clarity. Overthinking, and overanalyzing has always been an issue I carried, but now, it can almost be paralyzing. Even closer to the end of the decade, things suddenly became dramatic.

When life throws you lemons and limes

Just before coming to the end of 2019, I found out that I had appendicitis. When I first had symptoms, I thought I was just sick and ignored it for 4 days. Finally, when the pain was getting worse, I went to the doctor. Much to everyone’s surprise of tolerating the pain, they also told me it was leaking because it was perforated. So barely dodging a worst-case scenario, I had surgery to remove my appendix. Now, faced with the recovery of 4–6 weeks, the end of this decade has been quite different from what I expected.

With this event, I fell deeper into reflection and adjusted my perspective of things of importance. Motivation is harder to find; sometimes, creativity is a lost artifact, and time is more relevant than before. It has been two years, 2018 till now, that dance is my focus, and I find myself being more of a hermit and disconnecting from many things. I am seeing more enjoyment in analog living, compared to the digital age of convenience. Money is more scarce, now that I am a “starving artist.” I picked up and still work on better habits such as meditation, reading, and journaling. Reflecting back on this turbulent decade, I find myself thinking of how I can improve emotionally and mentally.

Gratitude

This leads me to think about 2020 being a year of gratitude. So many aspects of my life, people have attributed to who I have become and continue to grow. The honesty in myself points to my lack of expressing my emotions. I hate getting complimented, I have a hard time giving words of affirmation, and definitely have a hard time talking about my feelings. When I reflect, I feel a lack of thankfulness in my voice. That is why starting this new decade, I want to be able to be gracious and express my gratitude to those who support me and believe in me.